Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza.

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, some of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

Rene Descartes walks into a resturant and sits down for dinner. The waiter comes over and asks if he'd like an appetizer "No thank you" says Descartes, "I'd just like to order dinner" "Would you like to hear our daily specials?" asks the waiter "No" says Descartes, getting impatient "Would you like a drink before dinner?" the waiter asks. Descartes is insulted, since he's a tee-totaler "I think not!" he says indignantly, and POOF! he disappeared.

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it. (Bertrand Russell, Science and Religion)